Little Big Girls Playing Dress-up

Sunlight again awakens me from sleep. My eyelashes flutter strangely on my cheeks. As I yawn, I feel my cheeks stretch and feel the slight resistance of dried tears breaking free. I rub my face wearily, feeling the strange sensation of my own muscles. As I stretch again, a light knock breaks the peace of my small room. Looking toward my shelves, I see the large black trash bag into which I had squeezed all of my toys the evening before.

"I'm too old for those," I say to myself again, just as I said last night.

Thinking I said come in, Neesa swings the door open. Leda follows her into the room. They are both beaming at me. I pull the covers self-consciously up to my chin as I no longer can fit into my pajamas and am only covered by the shirt Leda loaned me the day before. They both giggle at me before Neesa speaks.

"Baby Bella, you're so scandalous."

"Indeed, but Neesa and I feel we should fix that," Leda replies, closing the door.

Neesa drops a bag on my desk and begins pulling items out of it. She pulls a pair of boot cut jeans and a white t-shirt out of the bag. Then she produces a pair of stiletto heels and some tennis shoes. She grins at me as she sets them on the table. While I am watching Neesa with interest, Leda slips me a smaller pink and white striped bag.

"You better put these on first," Leda says, "Then we can go shopping and find you a whole new wardrobe."

After slipping on the jeans which fit perfectly and pulling the t-shirt over my head, I sit pondering my shoe choices while Leda and Neesa fuss over my hair. I slip my left foot into the sneaker and my right foot into the stiletto. My left foot is encased by the familiar soft cushion of a good tennis shoe. It feels warm and protected. I stand on that foot for a moment, pondering it. Then I stand on the other foot.

My balance wavers a little and I feel a pull on my hair as Leda giggles at me. The weight of my body moves onto my toes. The open toes let the air in. I suddenly feel very feminine and powerful despite my tremulous balance. I quickly slide the tennis shoe off and slide the other stiletto on. I am now the same height as Neesa who smiles at me indulgently.

"They sometimes say that the shoe makes the woman," she says, winking at me, "But any lava lady..."

"Neesa," Leda says, shooting her a look.

"Huh?!" I reply confused.

"Never mind, honey, we better get to the mall before all the great clothes are gone."

They exchange a look over my head, but the prospect of picking out some new clothes is more exciting than half-finished statements. I find myself enjoying our trip to the mall, despite my apprehensions about being in public. We wander almost aimlessly from store to store. I try on everything while Leda and Neesa laugh at some of my choices. I pack away pleated skirts, pants so tight it almost seems my figure will burst from them, shirts with buttons, shirts with belled sleeves, shirts that cling to my newly-formed curves, and anything else that makes me feel as beautiful as I perceived my mother to be. I even pick out a few floral dresses that caress gently and then flee from my curves, making me feminine and respectable. I feel most like my mother in these and I see a hint of the same recognition in Neesa's eyes as she looks to me and then looks toward the ground.

It is as we are looking through the sporting goods store that I make two discoveries. I am surveying my features in an overhead mirror, frowning at the almost invisible hints of scars on my cheeks and chin while Neesa and Leda are arguing over whether I want blades or skates. (In fact, they may be arguing over the appropriate use of each term.) Suddenly, a girl about my real age slams into my legs, almost knocking me to the floor. As she races off down a random aisle, all I see is long dark hair swishing back and forth.

"I'm so sorry," an accented voice says softly behind me.

I turn to face a woman whose entire body is covered in dark cloth. All I can see are dark eyes looking at me with worry welling up in their depths.

"For?" I say, confused.

"My daughter. She is just so excited..." she begins.

"Oh," I reply, smiling at her, "No harm done. She just surprised me a little."

Her eyes soften as she quietly turns to find her daughter. She walks calmly as if there is no hurry or worry in her. I know, however, that both have taken their toll on her. I saw them both in her eyes. I wonder for a moment how one can appear so calm when they hide such fear inside. My thoughts quickly wander back to my own reflection, for I now know how to cover my scarred face. I have an idea of how to cover it not only on expeditions, but also in social settings were more elegance is required.

Unnoticed by Neesa and Leda who are now inspecting different brands of skates (or is it blades) by trying them on and standing on them briefly, I turn to survey the layout of the sporting goods store. They look rather graceful even though they are not in motion, but my mind is on other things. I look at the signs hanging from the ceiling, looking for one that directs me toward the skiing supplies. I have to walk a couple of aisles further back into the store before I find what I am looking for--rows of goggles and skis and racks of parkas, ski boots, skis, and snowsuits.

Once there, I begin looking at the variety of face masks they have to keep out the cold. I forgo the classic ski masks used by half the robbers and thugs in recent films. I have almost given up hope of finding what I am looking for when I find a neoprene mask that basically covers my cheeks and chin, leaving the rest of my face (where the skin is flawless) uncovered. I am trying the mask on when Leda and Neesa find me. They each have three skates in hand and are grinning at me.

"Trying to get away from us so soon," Neesa says.

"Oh, Bella, don't hide your beautiful face like that," Leda says.

I frown at her, of which she is oblivious because I still have the mask over my mouth. I had almost forgotten myself until I speak and hear my own muffled voice, responding, "Beautiful?"

"Leda, if it's what she wants," Neesa says with a warning look.

Leda blinks and looks at me again, "Well, it does give you a certain mystique."

They each take an arm and guide me to the counter. I take the mask off and set it on the counter as the salesclerk looks at me suspiciously. I think she is sizing me up to see if I could have stolen anything and is disappointed to find I couldn't even hide a slip of paper in my clothes. As we are leaving, I see Leda and Neesa exchange a glance, and I am almost convinced I hear a question lingering in the air.

"When are we going to tell her?"